Welcome one, welcome all to the Round 2 Analysis of the Hot Supreme Court Justice Bracket. This round is sponsored by Hell! Hell, we may not all believe in it but we’re certainly in it now!
Bella: Molly, did your unnamed butterfingers friend make another mistake? Because Morrison Waite got two votes over Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Is it beard envy? Is it over-correcting, not wanting to just vote for RBG because they like her politics? Was it mistakes? Should I start using another online bracket service because this one creates too many mistakes?
I also did a little research on Morrison Waite, because it’s always fun to learn things. Turns out he’s the reason we consider corporations people. He also interpreted the Reconstruction Amendments (13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments) pretty narrowly, meaning he didn’t do enough to support African-Americans after the Civil War as he should have. I only looked on Wikipedia for like 10 minutes, so there may be something I’m missing, but he doesn’t sound like anything special.
Isabel: Bella, I appreciate your desire to inform, but this sort of knowledge makes it increasingly difficult to vote without being swayed by politics.
Molly: First of all, I’m inclined to the over-correction theory. I was not with butterfingered friend this week and can’t account for those 2 voters’ bad choices. Second of all, he sounds malignantly boring and I can’t wait for his inevitable elimination. I know we made a big stink about this being a bracket based on Objective Hotness, but we’re living in an on-fire trash can and that’s getting harder to do with every round.
Bella: Once again, William Douglas is crushing it. He’s been the most surprising part of the bracket to me, to find a sleeper hottie on the court. I may have a new candidate for favorite justice ladies!
Well, not really. Earl Warren will always be number one for me. Which brings me to our next point. You people are way too in love with Warren Burger. Whether he wins or not, it’s absurd he’s as close to Earl Warren as he is. Straight ladies, explain. What’s the allure of Burger?
Molly: I thought we agreed at the very beginning that William Douglas was a hottie? He looks like he’s been cast as a Supreme Court Justice in a 1960s movie and that puts him pretty darn high in my book.
As for the allure of Burger, he’s got a great facial structure going on Bella! A stronger, more defined jaw than Warren, that’s for sure. But more importantly - Warren is another weird repeated name, like Harlan or Marshall. What is it with these uncommon white dude names. Or are they just common in certain *cough Old Money cough* circles? If anyone knows, please tell me, I’m begging to know what to name my hypothetical child/pet if I want to give them chance of sitting on the Supreme Court (don’t @ me about the pet, I know what I wrote).
Bella: Your overall point about white names and old money is correct Molly, however, Earl Warren is very much not old money. He is a hick from Bakersfield, he is the pride and joy of that town and I will not have him tarred and feathered with the stink of east coast elite old money.
Isabel: I’m sorry, I just noticed William Douglas looks like Kevin Spacey. Given the current “Spacey” situation, I’m not sure what to do with that…
Bella: Thanks Isabel, that’s absolutely going to ruin how I vote in the next round.
We’re very clear we’re not ranking on politics, so I fully see why Robert Jackson won over William J. Brennan. This is not really a contest. Robert Jackson looks like a hot business lesbian and William J. Brennan looks sort of like a mischievous elf.
I truly love William J. Brennan’s politics, but after doing some research, I realized Robert Jackson is no slouch. He was appointed by FDR, and is the most recent justice to be admitted to the Supreme Court without a law degree. He was the chief prosecutor in the Nuremberg Trials. Jackson also wrote a powerful dissent in Korematsu v. United States, a case where a Japanese-American sued the United States after he was forced into an internment camp. In a horrific decision, the Court said Korematsu’s rights had not been violated and he was sent to an internment camp. Hot, and a good person? That’s super rare for a justice.
Molly: Wait, he didn’t have a law degree? He was chief prosecutor for the Nuremberg Trials?? (To learn more about prosecuting in the Nuremberg Trials and the Korematsu case, I suggest listening to these podcasts: Criminal and More Perfect. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!) Now, it is rare to find a Hot and Good person. To find that on the Supreme Court, a group of distinguished but overwhelmly not-hot dudes, many of whom chose not to squash civil rights for a long time? He’s a real gem.
Isabel: According to my quick Googling, Robert Jackson didn’t go to college at all, attended a year of law school, and then somehow became a lawyer. Supreme Court use to play it pretty fast and loose with qualifications.
Also, theory- being hot make you less likely to be a good person and less likely to be an ambitious enough to make it on the supreme court. It’s like how being a little ugly in your formative years can help you build a personality since you certainly aren’t getting by on your looks alone.
Bella: I don’t know, I have a good personality and I was—
Bella: Oh no, I see what you mean Isabel.
Arthur Goldberg won over John Jay, which I GUESS makes sense, but I liked John Jay. One fun fact about winning justice Arthur Goldberg? Very against the death penalty. His dissent in Rudolph v. Alabama paved the way for lawyers to challenge the death penalty, which led to Furman v. Georgia, which suspended the death penalty.
The suspension didn’t last long, but still, good for Arthur!
Molly: Good for him! That reminds me a lot of Prohibition, in that I cannot imagine a United States without a death penalty (or alcohol) but it for realsies happened! Too bad he isn’t Hot.
Isabel: Further proof for my theory; Goldberg being a good person/justice does not make him Hot.
Bella: Neil Gorsuch barely barely BARELY won over Charles Evan Hughes. Is this because of the mustache (Holmes won his bout too) or is it that we still feel so angry on behalf of sweet Merrick Garland?
Molly: THIS IS SHOCKING. And I have to believe it’s because of politics, not Hotness because Neil Gorsuch is Hot. I know it’s hard people, but let’s stick to the shallow goal here, ok?
Isabel: I’m really confused about this one. Neil Gorsuch is objectively good looking (for a justice) and Charles Evan Hughes’s mustache is comically not hot. Imagine that facial hair on Tinder. No matches for him.
Bella: Tragically for my school, Benjamin Nathan Cardozo lost to Felix Frankfurter. My question to you both: my law school classmates don’t find this bracket as funny as I do. Do I need new friends at this school, or am I too weird for law school?
Molly: You need new friends at that school.
Isabel: It is an eccentric hobby...
Bella: Finally, I’m glad to see David Souter last another round. He seems, genuinely, like he would be a super nice person. Molly, you’re from New Hampshire. Have you met David Souter? From what I’ve read, it just sounds like he hikes around and looks at trees. He ever hiked through your town?
Isabel: They’re probably neighbors. Everyone in New Hampshire knows each other, right?
Bella: That’s all for Round 2 folks! Please continue ignoring the current awful things happening on the Supreme Court and instead judge people based on their looks! Go and vote now in our Sweet 16!