Welcome one, welcome all to the Round 3 Analysis of the Hot Supreme Court Justice Bracket. This round is sponsored by Maine! Maine: Are you an experienced Democrat who wants to be in the Senate? Have you thought about moving to Maine to run there? There’s over 2 million dollars waiting for you and Susan Collins betrayed us all.
Bella: I took the leap guys. I shared the bracket in this law school memes group I am in on Facebook. Look, if Brett Kavanaugh can assault a woman and still get confirmed, I don’t think this bracket is going to hurt my chances that much. The law school group has 19,000 people, so we’re up to 5,000 votes on the bracket, which means this round may look very different. I’ve brought a very weird segment of the world in, and our results may reflect that.
Molly: A quick note on our sponsor, Maine. Hi, everyone living in Maine. Have you considered New Hampshire? They’re the first state to have an all-female delegate in the United States Congress, which people often forget, and are a notably purple state! Love the thrill of an undecided political race but the certainty of knowing you probably won’t get screwed over by your elected officials? Consider moving to New Hampshire, they’d love to have you!
But back to the bracket: welcome, law students. Like New Hampshire with young people, we’re desperately glad you’re here and ready to participate!
Isabel: Hi law school voters! I think it is wonderful that our voting pool has grown. I’m ready for a shake up.
Bella: This round, Ruth Bader Ginsburg got over 300 votes to Warren Burger’s 50. It was a good run for square-faced Burger, who by the way, was the chief justice after Earl Warren. He joined the majority in Roe v. Wade, which is pretty great. He also wrote the opinion in United States v. Nixon that said the president (then Richard Nixon) couldn’t exercise executive privilege to keep tapes from investigators.
He was also very against gay rights, once calling sodomy “a crime not fit to be named.” Sexy.
Molly: Burger had some great bone structure, but obviously RBG had it in the bag. I appreciate his contributions to canon law in the US (is that a thing here, or just in Rome??) but come on. RBG was the first person to big SEX into the Supreme Court. Can I get a hell yeah for her?
Isabel: Researching people in this bracket has inevitably bummed me out each time. However, I watched “RBG” this week (late to the party, as usual) and now I feel she deserves to win everything, forever. Warren Burger’s bigoted views and nasty undereye bags are the real crime not fit to be named.
Bella: Despite some support for our New Hampshire boy David Souter, William O. Douglas won handily in his round. Not altogether surprising. Souter is an objectively good looking person, but the power of William O. Douglas was too strong.
There was a little bit of contention in this matchup from the law school meme group.
I don’t think everyone got the concept of a bracket. Or voting. Others had some hot takes on Souter that I want to share here.
Isabel: If you don’t like the people voted to the next round in the bracket then you need to exercise your civil right to vote. Protesting is great, but real change comes from votes.
Also standing by my observation that William O. Douglas looks like Kevin Spacey. Do a Google image search for Douglas, please.
Molly: The voting booth is where civil change is born! Exercise your right to vote now and in November! That being said, William O. Douglas is objectively hotter than Souter. I’m sorry law students, that’s how Hotness works. Again, Douglas looks like a 1940s Hollywood version of a Supreme Court Justice. Even I, the resident New Hampshirite, has to admit it. The bracket has been proven the great democratic tool of our time yet again.
Bella: I am truly disgusted that John Roberts won over Elena Kagan. This is sexism at its finest. This is unacceptable. John Roberts looks like toast with no butter. Elena Kagan is a friendly aunt who always has cookies over but also can help you with your social studies homework, and by “help you” I mean “treats you to an hour long lecture about intersection between unions and women’s liberation.” You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Isabel: This description of Kagan was the least hot thing I’ve ever heard… You are not helping your case. Dry toast is way hotter than my aunt.
Molly: Bella. We’ve talked about this. This is not a sexy description of Kagan. There is, I’m sure, a sexy description of Kagan out in the universe, but this is not it. [I would hazard to say that sexy description starts with, “isn’t the hottest of traits subverting societal norms?” but that’s not where you went with this.] As it stands, we have to accept the bracket results, and that’s all I’ll say about this.
Bella: I really got to love Robert Jackson after that research last week, so there was a part of me that was sad to see him go. But Sandra Day O’Conner is leagues hotter than Robert, so we’ll have to say goodbye to our favorite untrained lawyer, the man who made us all think we could be on the Supreme Court.
Molly: I’m weirdly sad about this! I was really charmed by the fact that he wasn’t a real lawyer and progressed civil rights so much even when he was benefitting from the patriarchal system. I was extremely fond of Robert Jackson and his square jaw but will graciously admit that Sandra Day O’Conner deserves to win in any matchup. Let the bracket continue!
Bella: After a tough last round, where Neil Gorsuch barely won his heat, he absolutely crushed Arthur Goldberg. This confirms what I always sort of figured which is that my facebook friends taste in men absolutely does not match the general populations. Molly, Isabel, as two of my facebook friends, why do you think that is?
Isabel: Lesbians. Your facebook is skewed due to the large number of lesbian pals you have, who have (understandably) interesting taste in men. Gorsuch is hotter.
Molly: Isabel is 105% correct here Bella, your Facebook friends are not skewed towards hetero norms. Gorsuch is generically good-looking and Goldberg is generically nerdy and that’s all there really is to say about it. Goldberg had no chance in hell. And I know this because we’re living in hell right now.
Bella: We’ve vanquished Oliver Wendall Holmes mustache at last. I never liked this man, never liked how he looked, and after some very easy heats, he’s finally gone. All hail Louis Brandeis, first ever Jewish person on the Supreme Court!
Isabel: John Slattery could totally play Louis Brandeis in a film. I’m grossly into John Slattery, so by extension Louis Brandeis gets my vote.
Molly: When you frame it in terms of John Slattery, I understand it a little better. Ultimately, we’re getting into a round of “I guess I can see some good bone structure here” and though I don’t agree with the bracket results, I’ll concede that Brandeis has good facial structure. That’s maybe all we can ask for in these trying times.
Bella: And, Thurgood Marshall and Sonia Sotomayor won. But we all knew that would happen. So what do you think ladies, any predictions for the Final Four? I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ginsburg is going to win over Douglas and Gorsuch will win over Day O’Conner. I want you to understand, this is not what I want to happen. I’d like to see Douglas and O’Conner win their heats, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I do, however, think Marshall and Sotomayor will win their subsequent heats.
Molly: Ginsberg is gonna crush Douglas because, again, the Hottest trait is destroying the patriarchy. Still, I’ll be sad to see Douglas go. Gorsuch should win, but I’m not confident our voters will stick to our Hot rule (though being the first woman on the Supreme Court is pretty Hot). Marshall and Sotomayor will, of course, advance and perhaps we’ll feel some sort of justice in this world once again.
Isabel: I think Ginsburg is going to get a lot of fangirl votes not based in hotness, not to say she isn’t hot, but it’s hard not to vote for an icon. I’m now rooting for Louis Brandeis, love a silver fox. Gorsuch should win over Day O’Conner, but I’m not sold the electorate will agree with me.
Bella: Well that’s all for now folks! Let’s see what all the meme people do this week!