TCM Wrapped

A week ago, Spotify did their annual call-out, putting everyone’s unhinged musical taste on blast. This year, Spotify released new data, including information about how many times you played a particular song, and how much of a fan you were of certain artists. Because I have impeccable musical taste and make excellent decisions, this Spotify feature did not embarrass me. I do not mind sharing, for example, I am in the top 0.5% of Bruce Springsteen listeners worldwide. I listened to the Jason Isbell song “Hope the High Road” at least 25 times on election day. My fifth most played artist was Taron Egerton, who played Elton John in Rocketman (ok, that one is a little embarrassing).

Ultimately, Spotify didn’t embarrass me this year. That’s partly because I did not listen to a lot of Spotify this year. Spending most of my day at home and leaving only for walks means I don’t listen to as much music. Not like when I was taking the subway or running errands in the city.

And as we all know, nature abhors a vacuum. Something had to fill the void left by Spotify. And podcasts. And concerts. And seeing friends. And all the other things we lost this year.

For me, that something was Turner Classic Movies.

My friend Jesse Jackson (not the reverend) alerted me to the existence of the Turner Classic Movies app when he and a guest were talking about it on his podcast, Set Lusting Bruce. Which, if you’re looking for podcasts to fill your days, that’s one to check out! Jesse is an amazing host. I had been listening to another podcast about the AFI Top 100 Greatest Films, and figured a classic movie channel would give me a higher chance of finding these films for free. And through my friend Amelia’s step-father, I had unfettered access to the channel.

I dipped my toe into the world of Turner Classic Movies in May, and I haven’t come up for air since. Between May 14 and December 8, I watched 87 movies on TCM. To a real movie buff, that doesn’t sound like much, but I watched 63 movies in all of 2019. Prior to this year, I wasn’t what anyone would call a movie fan. I liked movies a normal amount. Now I have opinions on George Stevens, a director from the 1940s and 1950s. TCM has utterly transformed me. It’s consumed me. It’s where I spend most of my free moments.

Given that TCM has been my main hobby this year, I wanted to put myself on blast with my own TCM Wrapped. It’s not like I have anything else to do. It’s not like I have a paper about child labor laws due in three days. This is all that matters. TCM is all that matters. So let’s dive in.

As mentioned, I watched 87 movies between May 14 and December 8, for a total of 9,708 minutes. That’s 161.8 hours of classic films. 6 and three quarter DAYS of movies. I’ve spent almost a week of my life on TCM in just this year alone. The shortest movie I watched was a film called Tell Your Children, more commonly known as Reefer Madness, at 66 minutes (one star). The longest was Gone With The Wind, at 233 minute (3.5 stars as a film, 5 stars if you like to watch slave owners cry, 1 star for…you know. The racism).

The earliest movie was Charlie Chaplin’s The Gold Rush, from 1925 (3 stars. Not as funny as his other movies). The most recent film was Rafiki, from 2018 (4.5 stars. Lesbians! Kenya! It was a joy, except for some gay bashing). That was because TCM has been doing a Women Make Film event, so they’ve stepped out of their Classic Movies niche. The most recent film that ran outside of a TCM special event was All The President’s Men from 1976 (5 stars).

My average star rating, now that you’ve asked, is 3.3 stars. I’ve given 9 films 5 stars and two films 1 star (Reefer Madness and a movie called Plan 9 from Outer Space. Garbage. Hot garbage). And surprisingly, as someone who considers herself a scaredy cat, my most represented director is Alfred Hitchcock with 7 films. But George Stevens is on his tail with 5.

No year has more than four films in it, for some reason. But 1968, 1960, 1954, 1953, and 1940 each have four films and thus are in a five way tie for my most represented years. Which brings us to a particularly embarrassing TCM fact.

I’ve developed a massive crush on Rock Hudson. Yes, Rock Hudson, heartthrob of the 1950s, gay man, who’s been dead since 1985. I’m enamored. Enraptured. I’ve watched 12 Rock Hudson movies this year. 13 if you include the fact that I watched Written on the Wind twice. I’ve spent 1,432 minutes watching Rock Hudson movies this year. That’s over TWENTY THREE HOURS with Rock Hudson. Almost a F U L L DAY. I have an illness.

If you can believe it, Rock Hudson isn’t even the most represented star on the list. I’ve watched 14 Cary Grant movies (15, because I watched Bringing Up Baby twice. Bringing Up Baby and Written on the Wind were my only repeats of the year). In fairness to Rock, Cary Grant made more movies. And no offense to Rock but Cary Grant made…better movies. There are some really good Rock Hudson movies out there but truly, it’s about half and half for Rock. But I’ll watch them all. Because again. And I cannot overstate this. I have a massive crush on deceased gay movie star Rock Hudson.

As I prepared this blog post and my spreadsheet, I tried to figure out why I had spent so much of this year watching TCM, and I believe the answer is two-fold.

First, watching a movie gives me a sense of accomplishment that I do not have with many other things right now. School is virtual, my job search has stalled, and the whole struggle of the year has made it harder to focus on things I previously spent a lot of time on, like reading, writing poetry, and working on other projects. Finishing a movie makes me feel like I did something, like I expanded my mind and bettered myself. And while I could have the same fulfillment out of finishing a tv show (probably) a tv show would take me weeks to get through, while a Humphrey Bogart movie only takes one night.

That sense of accomplishment is only part of it, and it doesn’t explain why I’ve watched so many films on TCM specifically. Partly, it’s that these movies remind me how lucky I am to live in the present day. Things have been horrible this year, and these movies are one thing that helps give me a sense of perspective. As bad as things are, I have the ability to be a lawyer, something that wasn’t possible for most women until at least the 1960s. I can be openly gay, something almost none of these classic movie stars were allowed to be. I can watch as many classic movies as I want in my own home instead of doing…whatever they used to do at night in the 1940s. Stare out the window until it was time to go to bed? I don’t know.

I love the aesthetics of these movies. Part of me wants to live inside a technicolor Douglas Sirk melodrama. But a much larger part of me is happy that when I turn off the movie, I can look up any fact I want on my pocket computer while I pursue whatever career I want and live my gay life in peace.

And the final reason I’ve watched so much TCM in the quarantine? These movies are good! Classic movies are very good and interesting! The jokes still land, the suspense still keeps me on the edge of my seat, and the plots are still enjoyable! I’ve been converted into a lover of classic films, and I have no intention of changing course now. So I’ll see you all on the 2022 TCM Cruise.