Scott Pruitt's many ethics scandals say a lot about the state of our country. But they can say just as much about the state of your inner self. Thank you to Orli Matlow @HireMeImFunny for the inspiration! Hire her people! She is funny!
1. There's a big party at your favorite club tonight. How do you get there?
A: This is a job for Limo Larry. Thank goodness your favorite limo driver is on speed dial.
B: Drive yourself. And pick up your friend on the way. But it's ok, he offered to buy you a drink once you get there.
C: Your friend is going to drive you, but you'll chip in for gas.
D: Armored car. It's the only way you go anywhere.
2. It's your significant others birthday! What do you buy them for a gift?
A: A romantic overseas getaway.
B: A diamond necklace. It may look expensive, but you know a guy who can get you a discount.
C: A VIP ticket to a concert. Sure, it's your friend's band, but it's still VIP!
D: A home cooked meal. Why go anywhere? You could get stuck on a subway or ambushed by one of your enemies. Better to just stay in.
3. Pick the perfect dinner:
A: You know that expensive sundae where you can eat gold? That.
B: A well cooked steak, mashed potatoes and a good wine. Preferably paid for by someone who's giving you a chance to test drive their new steak knives.
C: Spaghetti that you cook with someone you love.
D: Whatever it is, someone better eat it first to make sure it's not poisoned.
4. You see an elderly woman drop $100 dollars onto the sidewalk. What do you do?
A: Take it, go buy yourself something nice. Maybe some socks? What can someone get for $100 these days?
B: Take it. It's not like you're stealing! It was there on the ground! Anyone could have taken it!
C: Take it, give $25 to your buddy who was walking with you.
D: Take it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, that old lady has to fend for herself.
5. What's a wacky opinion you hold?
A: There is no scientific consensus on climate change!
B: It's fine to spray the pesticide chlorpyrifos on food even though it can cause brain damage in children!
C: Minority religions are pushing Christianity out of the public square!
D: The right to bear arms is a God given right!
If you got mostly A's: You're Scott Pruitt's travel expenses and his need to fly first class!
You're someone with a taste for the finer things in life. Smart as a whip, you will work whatever angles you need to in order to live the life you deserve. And if you take a first class flight here and there on the taxpayers dime, that's their problem. They're the ones who decided to be taxpayers. You can't help being fabulous.
If you got mostly B's: You're Scott Pruitt renting a room from a lobbyist for far below fair market rent!
Look at you, flouting ethics laws by accepting gifts from a lobbyist who also donated to your past political campaigns. You are resourceful, unique and spunky! Clearly you didn't think you would ever get caught doing this! After all, you're paying him something. Why are people splitting hairs? You're in a position to monetarily benefit someone, and they give you a super cheap room in a nice DC condo! What's the problem with that?!
If you got mostly C's: You're Scott Pruitt using EPA money to give raises to two of his friends!
You are the definition of a loyal friend. If someone gave you a pot of money to split among many people, you'd be more likely to just give $50,000 each to your two buddies who have been with you through thick and thin. You're dependable, smart, and everyone wants to be your friend. Mostly that's because of how many perks you give your friends. But it's also because of your personality hot stuff!
We'll be honest, we're not sure what your obsession is with privacy and security. There's no way you're important enough to warrant all this attention, so this must mean you're self-confident, vigilant, and organized. If you don't already have an apocalypse bunker in your backyard, you're thinking about building one. Just make sure it's big enough to fit those nearest and dearest to you (your private security team of 18, of course, not your family, those nerds can find their own way through the all-but-guaranteed nuclear war).