Round 1 Analysis: Kennedy Hotness Bracket

Bella: Welcome to the post-game analysis of the first round of the Hottest Kennedy bracket, brought to you by old money. "Old Money: With a Name Like Kennedy, It Has To Be Rich." I’m your host, Bella Pori. With me on the Google Doc is Molly Donahue, podcast producer and Kennedy aficionado. Say hi to the people Molly.

Molly: Hi folks, real excited to dive into this bracket and see who made the objectively correct choices about a pretty subjective and mean topic! Welcome to the internet.


Bella: The Hottest Kennedy bracket racked up over 2000 votes, and we’re only on the first round. I think it’s fair to say this competition has captured people’s hearts more than anything else in the month of March and yes I am including basketball and the Oscars. I’m excited to dive into our preliminary rankings. Right off the bat Molly, any surprises?

Molly: First of all, since we’re past the initial round of voting, I now feel comfortable OPENLY ROOTING FOR RFK AS THE HOTTEST KENNEDY. There, I’ve shown my cards. In other news, I am shocked that Rose Elizabeth Fitzgerald, one of the OG Kennedys, has made it that high up in the rankings - but I guess that’s why we use a bracket.

Bella: We did put Rose Elizabeth up against Patrick Joseph Kennedy II who was described by someone who shall not be named as looking like “an investment banker from New Jersey who is always sweaty and smells like Taylor ham.”

Now Molly, I know you were a big fan of Caroline Kennedy, taking me to task for comments like “her eyes are too far apart.” But it looks like she lost her first round to our top seeded grandchild, Katherine Eunice Schwarzenegger. It was a close loss, but a loss nonetheless. Are you ready to admit that I’m right?

Molly: I am ready to admit that in the bracket system, yes, Caroline Kennedy lost - but to a very worthy contender. Like you said, she lost to the top seeded grandchild which is a pretty coveted position in a family with 96 members. On the note of being wrong about everything ever, would you like to comment on one of our most hotly contested members in the original rankings?


Bella: Absolutely. I’m a mature enough person to admit I’m wrong when I’ve been forced to admit I’m wrong by a non-biased public election. Eunice Mary Kennedy, whom I had originally seeded quite low, absolutely dominated her first round match up, trouncing Edward Moore Kennedy Jr. I love Eunice as a person, but honestly didn’t think she would win against anyone, so clearly, I was mistaken. Molly, would you like to take a minute to gloat?

Molly: I absolutely would! *gloats for a minute* It’s just so satisfying to have my personal beliefs made into fact by a public bracket system, you know? Let’s move on and take a look at the numbers. Any obvious winners or losers?

Bella: Surprising no one, Stephen Edward Smith Jr. probably the ugliest Kennedy of all time, received the fewest votes. Because he received literally zero votes. Was it unfair to put him up against RFK? Maybe, but I think Stephen Edward Smith Jr. would have received zero votes anyway.

Molly: This feels like a good time to reinforce that YES this is a potentially mean ranking, but also please refer to the original post where Bella explained why the Kennedys are basically an American monarchy and why it’s ok to objectify them. On the topic of Stephen Edward Smith Jr., I’ll refer to my original notes: “I recently read that ‘there’s a lot to unpack here’ is the academic equivalent of ‘yikes.’ So I’ll leave it at: there’s a lot to unpack here.”


Bella: Capital! Another wonderful winner is Rose Marie Kennedy, who triumphed over Riley Elizabeth Kennedy. Molly, tell the people the tragic story of Rose Marie.

Molly: Rose Marie “Rosemary” (which, also, come on. If your pet name is just a different way to spell someone’s original name, why isn’t that their original name?) Kennedy’s story is tragic and brief. Her parents had her lobotomized at 23 which caused lasting damage and resulted in her being institutionalized for the rest of her life. We originally debated whether to even include her in the rankings, but her complete triumph is a good indication of why we did - she’s a part of this weird family no matter how often they try to hide her and she’s one of the hottest ones of them to boot.   

Bella: I’ll tell you what I want to know. Who was the crazy person who voted for Matthew Maxwell Taylor "Max" Kennedy over Christopher Kennedy Lawford? It’s not that Christopher Kennedy Lawford is that hot, but Max Kennedy Sr. is...tragic. Simply tragic. Who voted for him? Come forward now, I promise I won’t make fun of you!

Molly: I might. I’m not making that promise.


Bella: There were also 5 people who voted for Christopher Kennedy McKelvy over JFK. What were they thinking?

Molly: I’ll be real, I might have been one of those people? I can’t actually remember, but I do hold the controversial opinion that JFK is straight up not the hottest Kennedy. Maybe in his early days, but certainly not by the time he entered office (though he is easily one of the hottest presidents, but that’s an entirely different list).

Bella: He may not be the hottest, but I think he’s hotter than Christopher. But I’ll admit, it was hard to find good pics of some of the younger Kennedys. And they all start to blend together after a while. I’m simple disgusted by everyone voting for Noah Isabella Rose Kennedy over Amanda Mary Smith. Sure, I share a name with Noah Isabella Rose Kennedy but I thought Amanda Mary Smith’s hotness was objective. I’m a little floored here, it’s making me call the whole system into question.

Molly: That one was a really tough call! I think that match up epitomized why the bracket system is so necessary. We had 2 good looking young Kennedys and in the end only 1 can triumph over all the rest! And it’s probably going to be RFK!

Bella: I have no predictions, the people have already surprised me enough. Though, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised with John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr. winning his match-up. But I don’t have to like it.

Molly: You do not have to like it, but you have to accept it. As I gloat. Happy voting in the second round everyone!