Bella: Welcome again to the post-game analysis of the one and only Hot Kennedy Bracket. We’re into the Sweet Sixteen now, and I have to say, I’ve learned as much about what average Americans consider attractive as I have about the Kennedys. I’d like to thank Potatoes, for sponsoring the show. Potatoes: Keeping the Irish in their Fighting Spirit.
Joining me, as always, is Molly Donahue, the only other person who cares enough about the Hot Kennedy Bracket to spend hours outside of work debating it with me. Molly, how’s everything?
Molly: Everything’s going swell! I am extremely pleased to see how well RFK is doing in the rankings, which should come as no surprise to you. I agree, I’ve also learned a lot about what the average American* considers attractive, though I’ll also say that this is the strength of the bracket system - this isn’t necessarily the top 16 in general, it just gives all the Kennedys a fighting chance.
Bella: Robert Kennedy is still a strong leader through the second round. After dominating against Stephen Edward Smith Jr. in the first round, RFK continue to mow down the competition, garnering over 180 in total. Only 2 people voted for Rory Elizabeth Kennedy instead, and I guess my biggest question is why?
Molly: Because Bella, she’s afflicted in the particular way that so many Kennedys are: beautiful elegant features until they smile with their teeth. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth. A truth many of us in this life have to live with, so she’s not alone. Also, and more obviously, she’s been pitted against my personal choice, increasingly the choice of the people: R. F. K.
Bella: The battle between Rose Marie “Rosemary” Kennedy and Katherine Eunice Schwarzenegger is a pitched one. As of my count, both have 44 votes. I don’t know if we ever talked about what to do in the event of a tie. Overall, Rosemary has 116 votes to Katherine’s 90, so we could just go by that. Or maybe the online bracket will figure it out for us. Any ideas Molly?
Molly: I hope the online bracket figures it out for us, because I do not want to have to make that call. I’m wondering if Rosemary’s tragic backstory swayed the public because while I think she’s beautiful, I am SHOCKED people are voting for her over Katherine Eunice. Her lipstick is amazing in the sample photo.
Bella: In an insane turn of events, the people almost sent Rose Elizabeth Fitzgerald, of the OG Kennedys, to the Sweet Sixteen. She lost to Ted Kennedy by only 7 votes! And here I was, thinking Ted was one of the hottest Kennedys! I guess I could not have been proven more wrong.
But this is the end of the road for both Rose Elizabeth Fitzgerald and Joseph Patrick Kennedy Sr. The two Kennedy parents got their reward when they pushed their children to be high achievers and remained relevant for years to come.
Molly: Frankly, I’m shocked Ted even made it this far. Who I’m actually very surprised by is John Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg - not because he’s not good looking, but because there are definitely some better-looking Kennedys out there and I thought James Peter McKelvy Jr. was one of them. Bracket will out, I guess!
Bella: Any losses you’re particularly upset by Molly? I for one think we’ve fallen far as a country when we rank Patrick Arnold Shriver Schwarzenegger over Kyra LeMoyne Kennedy. I thought we’d have enough of mediocre white men who sort of look like their famous parents!
Molly: BELLA. That’s the whole point of this country. Of course Patrick Arnold Shriver Schwarzenegger is winning.
Bella: I’m also very upset (though less surprised) that JFK Jr. won over Michaela Cuomo. Though I suppose this is my time to discuss the Kennedy/Cuomo marriage. In America, we don’t allow big companies to merge without strict approval from the anti-trust division of the Federal Justice Department. Sometimes, the Justice Department prevents mergers of companies because to do so would create a monopoly.
The Federal Anti-Trust Division of the Justice Department should have been consulted when the Kennedys and the Cuomos planned a marriage. It’s just not fair to the rest of us that two such powerful families decided to have kids together. What hope do I have if there are little Kennedy-Cuomo children running around? How am I ever going to get into politics?
Molly: First of all, I think it’s important to note that your extreme distaste for JFK Jr. was one of our original fights from the ranking and we’re seeing a similar pattern here to other disagreements we had: the people are on my side. He’s a good looking guy Bella. Just because he looks like your Italian cousins that doesn’t make him less good looking. I do agree about the anti-trust situation though (but it also means I feel not even a little bit squirmy about ranking that family - they are a monarchy, building political allies through arranged marriages).
Bella: Another match-up that proved tough for our fans was Joseph Patrick Kennedy Jr. versus Kathleen Agnes Kennedy. Both are old-timey black and white photos of people in uniform. Thankfully, this time, sanity prevailed and so did Kathleen Agnes. 10/10, would swipe right on her if I saw her on Tinder.
Molly: You’ve been keen on her since the beginning and I have to say, I don’t disagree. She’s got spunk, which you can tell by her uniform and bicycle.
Bella: Molly, do you get the appeal of Noah Isabella Rose Kennedy? I remain baffled by her success.
Molly: Obviously it is because she shares a name with one of the great minds of this century: you.
Bella: Of course, and thank you.
Molly: In all seriousness, you picked a great picture for her! She’s standing in a halo of sunshine with a cool top and great smile. I don’t understand your confusion at all, and this will just have to remain one of our many disagreements from this experiment.
Bella: Let’s break down our top five Kennedys thus far. RFK has the most votes with 182, and growing every day. In a (distant) second, we have Rose Kennedy Schlossberg with 152 votes, but all that proves is that Jackie O would’ve won, had she been eligible. John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Maria Owings Shriver are tied for third, with 142 votes each and Robert Sargent Shriver III, a dark horse candidate, is nipping at their heels with 141. I gotta tell you, I’m rooting for Robert at this point. It feels like a Cinderella story for him.
Molly: We both knew Robert was a strong contender, but forever and always my vote will be for RFK. Maybe the public will continue to pull through and bring out a win for him because he deserves it. He’s gotten this far, even without the better picture I picked out for him during our initial ranking process and I think that says a lot. Will say though, I think you’re underestimating Rose - she not only brings Jackie O vibes, but Winona Ryder as well, a powerful combination.
Bella: Here’s been the most surprising thing about the bracket to me. I’ve had multiple people reach out to me directly to talk about how much they love the bracket, but how they can’t like it or comment on it on Facebook because they have Kennedys as Facebook friends. So here’s what I say to any Kennedys who may have found this bracket through a Facebook friend’s clicking and the weird algorithm that knows all:
Is it mean that I created a hotness bracket of your large, powerful, and tragedy-befelled family? Yes, probably. Would I like it if someone created a bracket of my family ranked by hotness? Honestly, yes. If any Kennedy is out there upset with my bracket (or my choices) I urge you to create a Pori or Mancini family hotness bracket. I’m pretty confident I’d actually come in the top of the Pori family bracket, but I think I’d probably lose the Mancini one, given how much America seems to love vaguely Italian looking men (I refer of course to JFK Jr).
Molly: Wait. What?
My only response to that is: please, get in contact with me and tell me how you became friends with a Kennedy on social media.
Bella: You heard her folks! Tell Molly which Kennedys you know! And check back in 5 days for our analysis of the Elite Eight!