Before we go to the ranking, I want to highlight some very interesting demographics of the Supreme Court. Poor Isabel and Molly had to put up with many long text from me, basically reciting the Demographics of the Supreme Court Wikipedia page, and so now the rest of you have to put up with it too.
19 states have never produced a Supreme Court Justice (including the Great State of New Mexico) and only seven justices have come from states admitted after the Civil War. 96.5% of judges have been male, and an even higher percentage have been white (since there have been 4 women and 3 people of color on the court in the entire history of our very racist nation). Justices Scalia and Alito are the only judges of Italian descent, which I have to say isn’t great for my people. Justice Cardozo was the first person with non-German, non-Anglo heritage, as he was descended from Sephardic Jews from the Iberian peninsula. This has also led people to say he is the first Hispanic justice, but scholars have said that it’s never been concluded where Cardozo’s ancestors were actually from, and the idea that Cardozo regarded himself more as a Sephardic Jew and less as a Portuguese or Spanish person.
And now for the most interesting facts. The Relationships and The Gay Judges. No, of course, no judges have been openly gay. There have been swirling rumors about a couple. and some pretty clear confirmation about Justice Frank Murray. Murray lived with Edward G. Kemp for 40 years. Both were lifelong bachelors and found “creative ways to live and work together.” I’m not saying that’s definitely gay, I’m just saying that’s absolutely probably gay. Justice William O. Douglass was the first person to divorce while on the court and also had the most marriages. He was married four times, which, based on how he looks, I get it.
And now, without further ado, the ranking.
64. Roger Taney, 1 vote
BP: Oh my god he looks like a reanimated corpse.
MD: I snorted, your ruling stands.
IMM: He didn’t want to be brought back from the dead.
63. Samuel Nelson, 1 vote
BP: This is the worst beard I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
MD: An OG neck beard, out in the wild. I do not care for it one bit.
IMM: Mutton chops, right?
62. John McLean, 2 votes
BP: This is what you see in your darkest nightmares.
MD: Do you think he stored a piece of his soul in this photographic plate? (I do.)
IMM: Originally our 64-seed, a bad note to end on.
61. William Rehnquist, 3 votes
BP: Fat Jeffrey Tambor
MD: I hate how right you are. Would wear those glasses though.
IMM: I don’t like him at all.
60. James Moore Wayne, 4 votes
BP: He looks mean.
MD: I can’t tell if he looks mean or stern. But it’s not a hill I’m willing to die on. Or even walk on for that matter.
IMM: Why is his crotch in the pic...
59. Tom C. Clark, 5 votes
BP: Missing: One Chin
MD: Should we start putting up missing posters? It’s nowhere to be found.
IMM: The bowtie isn’t helping.
58. William Rufus Day, 5 votes
BP: If he offered you candy there’d only be a 20% chance it would be laced with a sedative and you’d wake up in his van.
MD: Strong mustache on a flimsy man. An interesting combination. On the other hand, a great tie. IMM: Skinny suits him, but turned off by the “ creepy magician” vibe he’s giving off.
BP: On second look I’d like to edit my opinion, he looks like Republican John Waters.
57. Nathan Clifford, 5 votes
BP: I keep hoping I’m going to be surprised and find a secretly hot Supreme Court justice. And yet! I am disappointed yet again.
MD: His eyes look...haunted.
IMM: He looks like a Flintstones character.
56. Anthony Kennedy, 5 votes
BP: I know he gave us marriage equality but he looks like a big toe with glasses on.
MD: Look, he has weak glasses game compared to some of the other Justices here but he should definitely be above several of these 19th century nerds.
IMM: The glasses blend in with his skin too much.
55. Robert Cooper Grier, 5 votes
BP: I swear to God I’ve seen this guy before. Is there another justice on the list who looks exactly like him?
MD: I think I’ve waited on this guy at a restaurant in NH before? Maybe I read a volume of his poetry about the peace of small town life? In any case, I think he should be higher up on the list and I bet he was a good tipper.
IMM: He doesn’t look like a good tipper to me. He’s appropriately ranked.
54. Benjamin R. Curtis, 6 votes
BP: I was sitting here like “who does he remind me of” and then I realized it was Javier Bardem’s character in No Country for Old Men
MD: I looked at this portrait and immediately thought “that man looks like a Quaker.” So some combination of those two things, which is not a weakness!
IMM: Did they have a very limited budget when hiring the portrait artist?
53. Antonin Scalia, 6 votes
BP: He’s got a good head of hair but that’s about the only thing that’s going for him.
MD: As evidenced in pasy brackets, you just don’t like Italian men, Bella. That being said, I won’t challenge his place in the rankings.
IMM: This photo in black and white would look better. Why don’t they let them smile with teeth?
52. Joseph McKenna, 9 votes
BP: He’s sort of like if Lincoln was able to live to be 80.
MD; Yes, that’s exactly it. And while Lincoln definitely had BDE, that had much more to do with his attitude than his looks. So, yeah.
IMM: Too distracted by the Lincoln resemblance to comment.
51. James Clark McReynolds, 9 votes
BP: I’ve looked at so many white men they’re starting to blend together.
MD: They’re all special! They’re all different! He’s uh, got, uh, a great bowtie! A clear chin under those wrinkles!
50. Samuel Freeman Miller, 9 votes
BP: Yeah! Now this guy could survive a harsh winter in the North!
MD: That’s the only compliment I’m willing to give him. Well, that and I like his waistcoat.
IMM: His many, many layers of clothing will keep him warm.
49. Bushrod Washington, 10 votes
BP: Points for the great name, deductions for looking like a skeleton with a mouth hole cut in skin.
MD: This looks like an off-kilter portrait of a Victorian child. Dickensian eyes that make you yearn for social reform.
IMM: He looks like an old woman who shops at the Co-op.
48. Stephen Breyer, 10 votes
BP: One of the few people who’s smiling. Friendly people are hot people.
MD: He deserves to be higher up on the list! He’s got a good, normal looking face which is not something I can say about all these folks - I’m looking at you John Catron.
IMM: Okay so you can show teeth? I like him, he looks human.
47. Joseph Story, 10 votes
BP: He sort of reminds me of a friendly college professor.
MD: Weak chin, strong glasses game. I don’t dispute the ranking.
IMM: His hair is a mess.
46. Stephen Johnson Field, 11 votes
BP: Sir you have a very important job making laws for the entire country. Trim your goddamn beard.
MD: He looks like a mad scientist, which is not something I admire in the highest level of our legal system.
IMM: I think the hair is a bigger issue than the beard.
45. Gabriel Duvall, 12 votes
BP: 1830s Flock of Seagulls
MD: This looks like someone put his painting through an Instagram filter. Sorry buds, he’s still not getting any higher in the rankings because of it.
IMM: I’m so excited to see some variety in the aesthetics of these portraits, I’d put him higher just for that.
44. Stanley Reed, 12 votes
BP: The bottom of his head is bigger than the top of his head.
MD: You’ve hit the nail right on the...head. No, that joke didn’t work, but you saw what I was going for.
43. John Rutledge, 13 votes
BP: Talk about a fivehead.
MD: I know the standards of art change with every generation, but yeahhh.
IMM: Nearly all of them have “unique” hairlines. Age is coming for us all.
42. Harry A. Blackmun, 14 votes
BP: Ahh! It’s the crypt keeper!
MD: I involuntarily laughed at your description, Bella, and thus must accept your ranking.
IMM: Oh he’s terrifying.
41. Melville Fuller, 14 votes
BP: This is what happens when you don’t listen to women. You end up with shitty mustaches.
MD: I will agree with you on this one. It’s...not great. I like the throne thing he has going on though.
IMM: No! Look at this guy! He’s old-timey extra. Throne, mustache, flowing locks. Love it.
40. William Howard Taft, 15 votes
BP: Taft wears that power well and I respect him.
MD: I never realized he was a Justice! An extra Hot point for that!
IMM: I’m learning so much!
39. Potter Stewart, 15 votes
BP: He sort of looks like LBJ, so maybe the familiarity factor is making him seem hotter to me.
MD: You know my feelings about LBJ but we cannot get into this fight right now so I will let this ranking stand uncontested.
IMM: I will go to bat for you, Molly. He looks like a mean principal and I don’t like the set of his mouth.
38. Lewis F. Powell, 16 votes
BP: Craggy, but loving.
MD: Another Justice rocking the intellectual glasses game! Shocking that you’ve placed him below John Catron.
IMM: He looks like a mean Mr. Rogers.
37. John Paul Stevens, 16 votes
BP: The bowtie is cute. The whole man is cute. Old as hell, but cute.
MD: I’m in agreement with your ruling.
IMM: Precious, but not hot.
36. John Marshall Harlan, 16 votes
BP: They’ve been the same amount of people named John Marshall Harlan on the Supreme Court as there have been black people. Let that sink in.
MD: Refer to Bella’s comment above.
35. Clarence Thomas, 20 votes
BP: Allow me to do to Clarence Thomas what he did to Anita Hill, and say he’s looking like a snack.
34. Byron White, 20 votes
BP: His mouth is too thin and too wide for the rest of his face.
MD: Was he on the court in the 60s? He looks like someone who watched a man walk on the moon in real time.
IMM: Is he pouting?
33. Hugo Black, 21 votes
BP: He looks wise, like he knows all the universe has presented.
MD: A strong nose and excellent tie.
IMM: Great tie! The hair is a drawback.
32. Abe Fortas, 35 votes
BP: I’m a sucker for a man with a strong nose.
MD: He has a strong nose but also strong ears and I don’t think I mean that as a compliment. But then again, I’m not sure.
IMM: He seems like he was handsome in his youth.
31. Owen Roberts, 38 votes
BP: He kind of looks like he’s wearing a Halloween mask of a man.
MD: Great hair, strong jaw. Why do so many of these Justices have such broad shoulders?
IMM: I think the broad shoulders are just an illusion of the robe.
30. Harlan Fiske Stone, 38 votes
BP: Literally nothing about this picture is good.
MD: Again with the shoulders. Is it just the robes? Like less flattering Hogwarts’ uniforms?
IMM: I think he looks okay! The robe is distracting.
29. Willis Van Devanter, 39 votes
BP: Keep it tight you funky Dutchman.
MD: He should be higher up on the list, he has the clear eyed gaze of someone who sees the future impact of their decisions. Good nose too.
IMM: Molly is right. The white hair ages him, but his face is very symmetrical.
28. William J. Brennan, 39 votes
BP: The heart says “equal justice for all” but the eyes say “creepy uncle.”
MD: I...don’t think he should be so high in the rankings. He looks a little elf-like but not in a way I like. Except for that sweet, pixie-ish nose.
IMM: Villain in an old spy film for sure.
27. John Marshall Harlan II, 41 votes
BP: Suave in a 1920s gangster way.
MD: You say that like it’s a good thing, but I definitely think that’s a reason to be bumped lower in the rankings. Why are the circles around his eyes so dark? What’s he been up to?
IMM: Slap a fedora on him and he could be a member of the Rat Pack. He’s hotter than many ranked above him.
26. Morrison Waite, 44 votes
BP: Honestly? I don’t hate it.
MD: Honestly? I do.
IMM: The hair on the top of his head is very 2018! He’d be a hipster if his beard had a mustache to go with it.
25. Samuel Alito, 45 votes
BP: He’s politically heinous, but he looks good.
MD: The fact that he’s seeded higher than Felix Fankfurter is a crime Bella, and I will be issuing a dissent on it any day now.
IMM: Agree with Molly, what the hell, Bella?
24. John Catron, 45 votes
BP: I saw a stylized portrait of this guy and I was like “hell yeah he’s a hottie” and then I saw an actual photo and it was like finding out your crush has been using 17 instagram filters and isn’t even that hot.
MD: I looked up his picture and I would argue this drawing is not doing him any favors. That’s the only argument I’m willing to make for him though.
IMM: I cannot imagine any rendering of this man in which he his hot.
23. Charles Evan Hughes, 48 votes
BP: An equally horrible mustache and a bad head of hair.
MD: He looks not unlike Ulysses S. Grant. Which is a good thing! A man who truly deserves the adjective “distinguished.”
IMM: I think he looks like the disapproving father of a southern belle.
22. Earl Warren, 50 votes
BP: Is he hot? No. Did he fundamentally change our country for the better? You betcha.
MD: THIS IS ABOUT LOOKS BELLA.
IMM: THANK YOU MOLLY. Also he is not hot, you fully let your political feelings interfere.
21. Harold Burton, 51 votes
BP: Mean FBI agent
MD: I agree with your assessment. He’d administer a lie detector test and not offer you juice afterwards.
20. Benjamin N. Cardozo, 52 votes
BP: I think he’s hot because I’ve seen him so many times since there’s literally pictures of him all over my school.
MD: I’m not going to challenge this ruling.
IMM: I think he’s hot, it isn’t just overexposure. Great hair swoop.
19. John Jay, 54 votes
BP: Honestly? Banging. Those clear eyes? Swept back hair? Ruffles? I’d hit it.
MD: No. Just...no.
IMM: His clear eyes aren’t looking the same direction. Massive point deduction.
18. John Marshall, 56 votes
BP: Regal. Powerful. John Marshall.
MD: Does he have a mustache? I can’t decide what I want the answer to be. (Who am I joking? With a mustache he’d look like John Cleese and that’s never a bad thing.)
IMM: Oh he should be higher… Yum.
17. Pierce Butler, 57 votes
BP: His robe says Supreme Court Justice but his eyes say “the bully stole my lunch money again.”
MD: A confusing comment for someone so high in the rankings, but you’re not wrong.
16. Warren Burger, 103 votes
BP: He’s got a lot of different looks going on. Hairline is clearly receding, but the rest of it is lucious. Wrinkles, but a shiny forehead. I’m having a hard time making a decision.
MD: Let me help you out: he should definitely be higher up on the list. He’s got some wrinkles but they’re over what is a generically handsome face - great bone structure here. Get it together Bella.
IMM: Strong chin and wise eyes. I think we cannot hold hairlines to too high a standard in this ranking.
15. Felix Frankfurter, 128 votes
BP: I am digging Felix’s square jaw and severe gaze.
MD: He looks like FDR! He’s got a quiet elegance.
IMM: He’s way good looking. I’d call him distinguished.
14. David Souter, 154 votes
BP: Look at this cutie! Look at that face! How can you stay mad at that face?
MD: He’s from NH which is intrinsically hot.
13. Frank Murphy, 170 votes
BP: Those are some stellar eyebrows.
MD: Eyebrows? What about those shoulders?? Is he wearing football padding under those robes?
IMM: Whoever drew on his eyebrows should be tried for assault.
12. Elena Kagan, 185 votes
BP: Oh my god, do I look a little like Elena Kagan?!
11. Robert Jackson, 188 votes
BP: I’d like to rock this look when I’m a 60 year old business lesbian.
MD: You could pull this look off just as well as Robert Jackson is. The hair is the high point.
IMM: Bella please do not “rock” this look. He has dead eyes.
10. Arthur Goldberg, 196 votes
BP: The glasses make him look cooler than he probably is.
MD: Are those...finger waves in his hair? Mean jokes aside, love the glasses and an otherwise fine face.
IMM: Where are his eyebrows? Maybe Frank Murphy stole them?
9. Oliver Wendell Holmes, 242 votes
BP: He’d be hotter if he shaved that horrible mustache.
MD: We just have radically different opinions on facial hair (something that never came up in the Kennedy bracket as all Kennedys eschew facial hair), but he is pulling. It. Off.
IMM: The mustache is a blast, he’s got personality.
8. Louis Brandeis, 350 votes
BP: Ignore the hair, focus on the eyebrows and the chiseled jaw and tell me Brandeis isn’t hot.
MD: I’m trying to follow your instructions but I simply cannot because his hair is so wild. For the brief moment I can tear my eyes away, I can agree that he has a great jaw.
IMM: Unpopular take- underwhelmed by the jaw…
7. William O. Douglas, 457 votes
BP: William Douglas looks like what would happen if you let Hollywood directors cast Supreme Court justices.
MD: Wholeheartedly agree. Strong shoulders, clear eyed gaze of a freedom-loving individual. This is such a glamour shot.
6. Thurgood Marshall, 481 votes
BP: Thurgood is rocking a 1970s cool grandpa look and I’ve always been into it.
5. Neil Gorsuch, 485 votes
BP: Neil Gorsuch is the hottest robber I’ve ever seen.
MD: I thought this might be a potential issue we when agreed to do this bracket together, but luckily we all truly agreed that hotness is the most important and objective (LOL) metric in these United States.
4. Sandra Day O’Conner, 700 votes
BP: This may be a spicy take, but this Republican knew how to dress and do her hair. And it helps that I like a tall woman.
3. John Roberts, 712 votes
BP: LOOK! I am ALSO ashamed of myself but you cannot deny the man takes good care of himself!
MD: He’s keeping it together and I like the dimple.
IMM: Why does he look like he’s trying to hold in a laugh? No.
2. Sonia Sotomayor, 1178 votes
BP: It really helps that she’s young, but honestly, she’s a lovely looking woman, her hair looks incredible and her skin is radiant.
And the winner, the hottest justice of them all:
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 1208 votes
BP: Ruth is an amazingly beautiful woman who favors function over form and no sane person would disagree.